Why the UK needs to do better with paternity leave - from a freshly postpartum mum

One of the greatest gifts I received in postpartum didn't come from a family member, or a friend. It came from my partner's workplace. What was it, you may ask? Giving my partner thirteen weeks, fully paid paternity leave. 

By directive of the UK government (at the time of writing), companies are legally required to give two weeks paternity leave, paid £187.18 a week - less than half of minimum wage - or 90% of your salary; whichever is lowest. 

While I'm sure I'll come back to the dismal paternity leave pay in a later blog post - after all, this'll be my pitiful income for six months of my maternity leave too - I specifically want to focus on something that has been garnering plenty of attention in the news of late, as a review of all parental statutory leave takes place. The two weeks leave. 

How does the UK’s paternity leave compare to the rest of the world?

The UK’s current paternity leave allowance came into effect over 20 years ago now, and frankly, it is pretty dated - the fact it has stayed the same since its introduction, instead of moving with the times says everything. A report released by the Women and Equalities Committee earlier this year billed it as one of the worst statutory leave offers in the “developed world” (I have issue with this phrasing, but that’s for another time). 

In Spain, fathers can take up to 16 weeks off work at full pay; in Sweden, families get 480 days of paid parental leave, with 90 of those days specifically earmarked for fathers. Even France’s little 28 paid days is better than the UK’s offering. 

Has my partner’s 13-week paternity leave really been that significant to my postpartum journey?!

In short, yes. My adjustment to becoming a mother, and our daughter’s start in life as a result, would have been a totally different experience.

Recovery 

Thanks to my partner being on paternity leave, my body was able to recover properly following childbirth; I was not forced to be sole carer for our child just two weeks after a major abdominal surgery (although I did do it for about eight hours in this first two weeks when he had to go into London). At two weeks postpartum, I could only just about wash my own legs in the shower, and I still wasn't able to sit up from a laying position without a helping hand. I couldn't get to my daughter at night anywhere near as quick as I'd have liked, and could only hold her in specific positions on my body. As a result of the current statutory paternity leave, many, many babies are in the sole care day in, day out of women who are in pain, unable to move quickly, or bend - and everything to do with properly caring for the baby can exacerbate that even further, meaning these ‘symptoms’ are bound to continue for longer.

One of the recommendations from MPs, in the same report mentioned earlier, suggests six weeks paternity leave as a standard. This is more in line with C-section recovery and is a move in the right direction regardless of the type of birth you’ve experienced. 

Emotional support 

Recovery isn't just about physical health; it's about mental health too. And becoming a parent for the first time is one of the biggest transitions one can experience in life. Add in the absolute chaos that is a woman’s hormones following pregnancy and birth, and any of the mentally challenging stuff that comes with reflecting on any pregnancy complications, and boy, let me tell you, I needed that emotional support. Who better to provide it than the person with whom you share the child (and who is equally as responsible for the situation, eh)? Even with this support, I found the first three weeks postpartum incredibly hard, so I can't even fathom how many women have had to feel as their partners return to work well before this adjustment period is over.

Alongside my partner, I had the support of our parents, and a small number of friends who showed up from the very beginning (rather than just waiting to message once we were having visitors… not cool, guys). However, having the other parent actually present for most of the ‘fourth trimester' meant sometimes words didn't need to be said, when I struggled to string my complex postpartum feelings into a sentence to these comrades (shocking for a journalist, I know). It was the silent removal of the mental and physical load, meaning I could focus on getting better, adjusting to my new life-long role, and being a good mum. No joke, to date, I've only cooked three dinners since I gave birth. It’s been months.

Because my partner is on paternity leave, I'm able to take time whenever I like to be ‘Tamsin’ if I choose to, while she’s in the care of her dad. In turn, it means when I'm in mum mode, I'm able to be the best mum I can be. I should probably do this more often; while my partner has taken his time away from being ‘Daddy’ for social events and London visits, I still struggle with ‘mum guilt’ of taking more than an hour or two out the house away from my child, so have barely done so. While I crave the longer break, I also still crave to be near our daughter - I guess I've been with her 24/7 for the best part of a year at this point (pregnancy included), so any difference feels odd. Also, societal views: no one blinks an eyelid when a dad says he's got a newborn baby at home, yet he’s out and about; but the same isn't expected for a woman. I had a massage a friend got me nine weeks after my daughter's birth; the masseuse asked, in a shocked manner, who was looking after her while I was there. Maybe along with changes to paternity leave will come changes in attitude too - including my own!

Bonding 

So far in this post, I've spoken about me me me and mum mum mum, but a decent paternity leave will do wonders for the bond between the father and child. As with all my articles and blog posts, I don't like to speak for my loved ones here on the internet, so I will only speak on what I've witnessed. Our daughter is enamoured with her dad. She's equally soothed by either one of us. She had skin to skin with her dad from the date of her birth, she's seen him every single day of her life thus far for multiple hours a day. Everything I've encountered - from frowns to fevers - he has too, so unlike the stereotype of a father needing directive from the mother while caring for the child, this is far from the truth in our household. In fact, especially in those beginning weeks, I looked to him for guidance. This bonding time sets up the Daddy/daughter relationship for life; and frankly, the government is doing dads an injustice within their family structure by only providing them two weeks leave.

What's more, many relationships come under strain in the throws of newborn life, and while yes, we definitely did have our moments of being short with each other - hey, having just two hours sleep will do that to the strongest of humans - because my partner had more than two weeks leave, we could truly focus on creating and adjusting to what our new family and home set up looked like without any outside noise of work stressors, or hosting other people: our focus day in, day out was predominantly us! 

I could go on and on about why the government needs to change the UK paternity leave system. And the maternity leave system. AND THE MATERNITY PAY. But motherhood calls. After all, in postpartum, what is the most important thing? Why are we’re even talking about this in the first place? Her.

Why the f did no one tell me how hard breastfeeding is?!

As someone who had never looked after a baby by themselves, ever, having my daughter has been a steep learning curve. A magical, scary, wonderful, overwhelming,  head-over-heels-in-love learning curve. The biggest lesson of all so far, though? Breastfeeding and everything it entails.

For all the images in the media, for all the chats I had with mothers during and before pregnancy, for all the leaflets about ‘breast is best’, no one warned a sister that breastfeeding is not as simple as putting baby to breast and they drink it?! I’ve believed this my whole life - well as long as I’ve been aware of breastfeeding as a concept, anyway - and the fact this isn’t the case has genuinely been the biggest shock of motherhood thus far.

Now, don’t get me wrong, it won’t be hard for everyone, but the more I speak to my mum friends about my breastfeeding troubles, the more I’ve heard “oh, I had this problem too”, “my friend experienced this when she had her child”, or “I didn’t struggle with that aspect of breastfeeding, but I struggled with this other aspect”. Below is an article I’d have loved to have read prior to starting my breastfeeding journey, so hopefully it can help others who find themselves in a similar position to me.

Please note, I am not a medical professional; everything I’ve written below is based solely on my own experiences, so of course, take my advice with a pinch of salt/do your own research/seek medical advice if needed.

What does it take to breastfeed?

Even if you have no issues, whatsoever, it is still a skill. In order for a baby to drink milk, you need to a) get them to latch properly (how exactly they have the nipple/breast in their mouth), and b) you need to have the milk supply to feed them.  

At the hospital (or I imagine at home if you have a homebirth), the staff will show you how to get a proper latch on your first day/night/following morning with your baby. You can also attend antenatal classes during your pregnancy. While the breastfeeding antenatal class I attended covered latching on, and colostrum harvesting - your very first ‘milk’, kind of like a concentrated squash version before your milk properly comes in - it didn’t cover low milk supply, so I did not even think this could be an issue.

Why did I find it hard?

As it goes, my main issue with breastfeeding is a low milk supply. While my colostrum came in fine, and baby girl mostly latched on well, it became evident early on my milk supply wasn’t keeping up with baby girl’s hunger. Due to some of the circumstances surrounding her birth, the hospital had encouraged us to do ‘top up’ bottle feeds after breastfeeding from birth. As such, when girly pop would become frustrated and not getting fed enough from my body, and I would get upset that she was hungry and I was unable to feed her enough, we defaulted to bottle pretty quickly. Add in the ease of the bottle overnight, meaning either parent could feed her while the other slept, sometimes breast would be skipped altogether. This didn’t help the milk supply situation (it’s a supply and demand thing; the more baby drinks, the more your body is signalled to make).

What did I do?

Initially, I felt a lot of mum guilt. Why was my body letting my daughter and I down?! Why wasn’t it doing what it was meant to do?! Was it my fault?! I carried this heavy weight and mindset for a fair bit, even after I decided to take action. There were a lot of tears (hers when hungry, mine in frustration at my body… which is wrong because it kept my daughter safe for nine months, birthed her safely, and gives her comfort).

However, after some days wallowing, I thought “let me give this my best shot” (or is that breast shot?)!! If after that, I still am unable to breastfeed or properly combination feed (breast + bottle), then at least I know I really tried, and my daughter is still getting all the nutrition she needs from formula, and will get it from food later this year too. 

In order to try and build my milk supply, here is what I did (and some I continue to do):

• Reach out for support. First things first, as I said in the intro, I ain’t no medical professional. While there is an array of support available to new mums in community midwives, health visitors, lactation specialists, and community drop in sessions, I cannot sing the praises of the National Breastfeeding Helpline enough. You can call them or DM them on social media 24/7, and they are so friendly, helpful, supportive, and a wealth of knowledge. I reached out to them on multiple occasions, and they truly take the time to give you bespoke advice to your situation.

• Hand express or pump regularly during the day. Coupled with breast massage and breast compressions, I set daily reminders on my phone, and hand expressed or pumped regularly each day. It's recommended to do this every two to three hours to build supply, but in all honesty I a) didn't have the energy and b) didn't want to expend all the remaining energy I did have on this, instead of bonding with my child… after all, I'll never get this newborn time back! It really helped that we didn't have too many visitors in baby’s first six weeks or so (something we'd set) as it meant I could do this without feeling self conscious (not that you should feel self conscious!). Once I was filling a syringe or two regularly, I tried electric pumping, but for some reason, this didn't yield as “good” results for me.

• Have realistic expectations. It was pretty disheartening to hear other mums say (or post on social media) that they struggled with supply, and then show 10/20ml of milk for it, while I was literally only getting 0.2ml or so mls out my tatas at each expressing/pumping session nearly a month after my daughter’s birth. I needed to accept this was a long-term commitment, and I wouldn’t be a fountain of milk overnight. In order to not get obsessed and focus on this instead of my daughter, I set a deadline for the following month that if I was still only seeing droplets, rather than even a small drinkable amount, I would stop and just bottlefeed. This gave me a goal.

• Skin to skin. Literally having your baby’s skin touching your skin has some exceptional benefits for both mother and baby (and some for father and baby too). It helps regulate a baby's temperature, heart rate, and breathing; increases bonding; and crucially here, helps stimulate breastfeeding. I loved having skin to skin with my daughter anyway, her laying on my chest sleeping or doing tummy time when awake, so this was just an added benefit!

• Putting her to the breast before each bottle feed (or as many as you remember to). Yep, even if it was only for a minute or two each time before we both wanted to cry. I became a bit more lax with this for a short period, which was probably a self-fulfilling prophecy, but I ensured to pick this back up.

• Drink more water. Breastmilk is water based, so I made sure to drink more water than I probably normally would.

Timeline

So, bear in mind each person is totally different, I’m putting the below because it’s something I’d have loved to see myself when starting this journey. Don’t take this as gospel, because there are so many variables at play person to person. Here’s roughly what my timeline looked like, once I committed to the above:

1. In the first two to three days, there was nothing. Not a dribble in any hand expression or pumping session, and baby girl wasn’t drinking from breast.

2. Following this, for about a week, I’d get a few drops out in hand expression or pumping session. I had a couple of times when baby girl latched on and drank for more than 60 seconds during this time, and I felt such a sense of achievement when she got even a droplet of the milk ‘made for her’. This encouraged me to keep going!

3. During the following three weeks, I started to collect the droplets of milk in colostrum syringes, and eventually started filling around 1-2 syringes per session every so often - but not consistently! However, this was still super encouraging to keep going. While I did try to get baby girl to go to breast a fair few times, I did find it super painful and she would still get frustrated that it wasn't as quick as a bottle.

4. After around a month after starting to really commit to the above to build milk supply, I decided to buy an electric pump. Not only is it meant to help stimulate milk flow, but as baby had started to have longer wake windows, and I was almost back to full health after childbirth via c-section, expressing/pumping manually at set times each day became unrealistic with the delights and demands of the day. Unfortunately, this yielded worse results than hand expression had. 

5. After some soul searching, reaching the ‘deadline’ I’d mentioned earlier in this post, and another encouraging conversation with my partner, I took a break from the pumping and breastfeeding, and the pressure around it all for a good five days, unsure if I’d return to it. This break really showed me that baby girl being fed and happy is the most important thing, and all this pressure I'd been putting on myself took away some of the attention I should have been giving my daughter, and imposed a routine, when me and baby girl should have been enjoying the absence of one in the newborn phase. 

6. I, on a whim, decided to pump about a week later. This was genuinely the most fruitful pump I’d had in weeks, probably because I had relaxed. There and then, I decided I’d pump once a day, not bound by a set time, and put baby girl to breast when I could, and whatever I got is what I’d give my daughter - even it was 1ml (which it was on many occasions). She was still getting milk made for her; yes, it might not have been the realms and realms of milk it should be at this point by NHS standards, but as I am combination feeding, my daughter is still getting some small benefits of breastmilk (even one drop has tens of thousands of antibodies) and being fed well through her formula too.

Where am I now?

While all the things I tried actually did help build milk supply (very) slowly but surely, I found the pressure and the routine of pumping to impact our newborn stage in other ways disproportionately. As such, for now, I am doing point six as above - a pump a day and putting baby to breast regularly each day. Her latch is brilliant now, and the pain isn’t as much as it was before for me. I hope to continue this plan until she starts solids. Perhaps between now and then, my supply will become a half decent amount, but if not, I am content with the fact my girl has a satisfied stomach, is getting comfort, and I gave breastfeeding a damn good shot. 

I am also proud of myself for committing and still continuing to stick at it, as both physically and mentally, it was not - and is not - easy! I’m well aware I haven't even covered other topics around breastfeeding, like engorgement, and breastfeeding in public, but I really wanted to make this piece about building milk supply as it was a topic little touched on that I'd have loved to read at the beginning of my journey.   

20 things I learnt in the first month of being a mum

Transitioning from a pregnant woman to a mother of one has been a huge adjustment. A magical, overwhelming, exciting, scary, adoring, can’t-believe-how-blessed-I-am adjustment. It really is the most life-changing and fragile period.

As such, I’ve encountered many new thoughts and experiences in my first month of being a mum, and I’ve learnt A LOT. Below is everything I learnt in the first month of being a mum… wellllll, most things. Hey, “everything I learnt in the first month of being a mum that I remembered to jot down in my notes app, blurry eyed from the newborn bubble” doesn’t have the same ring to it, does it?

About babies…

1. Babies are noisy sleepers

Babies will grunt, cry out, wriggle, reach out, and more in their sleep. This was such a shock to me; I was jumping up to tend to her the first few nights to find out that she was properly asleep still. Whoever coined the phrase “sleep like a baby” clearly had never had a baby. They do sleep up to 19 hours a day in the first few weeks though, so maybe that’s what they meant?

2. Burping a baby takes the patience of a saint

And when you get that burp, you’ll feel like you’ve won the lottery!

3. Sneezing and congestion as a newborn is normal

Especially for a c-section baby, who hasn't… erm… had the fluids squeezed out of them during birth. I was SO paranoid my daughter was ill or couldn't breathe in the night!

4. Their farts can cause them pain… but it’s okay

I felt so helpless seeing my daughter cry when passing wind; but it’s totally normal with their immature digestive systems. If it becomes more concerning though, speak to your health visitor and they can advise on what you can do.

5. Babies can't regulate their own temperature

So, you’ll spend ages over-analysing what your child is wearing to sleep/go out/watch EastEnders on the sofa, especially in those first couple of weeks.

6. Like vampires, baby's shouldn't be in direct sunlight until a year old 

Hats, parasols, your hand will all become your best friend to protect their delicate skin.

7. Babies can’t drink tap water

Which, for a human that hiccups a lot, surprised me! They also can’t eat honey (not that they’d be doing that in the first month anyway; you start to wean at around six months).

8. Babies will lose weight after birth

‘Getting back to birth weight’ is something you’ll hear at your day 5 and day 10 community midwife appointments (and further along with the health visitor if baby isn’t back to birth weight by then, I imagine); it’s totally normal for them to lose weight in the first few days Earthside.

9. Put the ‘frilly bits’ outside the nappy

A hot tip from a fellow mum, make sure you fold the frilly bits of the nappy around the legs outwards. This should (but not always!) help prevent a nappy leak.

10. So many anxiety-inducing things that happen to a baby in the first month are actually totally normal

I feel like I prepared a lot for birth, but not for what came after, and as a result, anything that changed day to day would have me on high alert. However, after asking my partner/mum/mum friends/Google “is this normal?”, every single concern I had this month about baby came back “yes, it is normal”.

About motherhood…

11. Motherhood will reveal an innate ability to create songs at the drop of a hat

Morning, noon, or night, I somehow come up with multiple jingles a day. Ask me to freestyle pre-birth, and I would have froze. Get me to that karaoke booth, stat!

12. The hormone drop in the first fortnight is very real

You will experience a massive hormone drop at some point in the first fortnight, and boy, it’ll crash hard. Mine came on day 9, which, unfortunately, coincided with my first time solo parenting, and I literally cried all day long. It’s totally normal though, and you’ll feel much better in a day or two.

13. You will simultaneously have more time than you think, and less time than you think

Babies sleep a lot in the first month, so you’d think “hey, in the absence of work, I’ll have a lot of free time.” On some days, this felt true: once a week during nap times I’d wash my hair (I finally did my curly hair routine for the first time post-birth when my daughter was three week old), or write a blog post like this one while baby girl is with her dad downstairs.

A lot of the time though, nap times will fly by in a blur of sterilising, clothes washing, brushing one’s teeth, pumping milk, general life admin that needs to be done. Don’t get me started on “sleep when the baby sleeps”; this does happen sometimes, but can’t happen all the time! Also, sometimes, you’d rather do something for yourself during that nap time than sleep.

14. Breastfeeding is really f-ing hard

I’ve got another blog post on this in the works, so I won’t go too heavy here, but it really isn’t as simple as putting baby to your breast, and they’ll drink. It feels like the biggest myth of child bearing. There is so much to contend with, like latching, milk supply, building milk supply (which takes a lot of commitment), soreness, engorgement…

15. Spilling breastmilk feels like the worst thing ever in the world

Leading on from the point above, because of the strife, spilling breastmilk can literally feel like you’ve been sent to hell.

16. There is such a sisterhood in motherhood

I can’t remember if I saw this on a reel, a Netflix show, or in a soap (lol, my brain is tired, okay): “motherhood is the least original experience.” What they meant is that if you’re experiencing something, it’s very very likely another 100+ mothers have too.

I don’t live too close to my friends or family, but since giving birth, many female friends/acquaintances/former colleagues/even a former course mate from university who have children themselves have reached out with supportive words and anecdotes. I have also found myself in a Facebook group for first-time mums in the UK, and see daily comments and conversations of solidarity.

I have to give a special shout out to two mums in particular: a former line manager (and since friend) of mine and a current colleague in Spain, both of whom gave birth themselves this year, and have been my absolute lifelines when it comes to all things ‘first time mum’.

17. Your mother instincts may take a hot second to come in

Much like breastfeeding, a common myth perpetuated in life is that as soon as you give birth, your mothering instincts will kick in. For some, perhaps it will, but for a lot of us, it’ll take a hot second. While I felt an instant need to protect and care for my daughter, and that I loved this little cute human, I didn’t feel instantly like I knew her, or how to care for her. If I’m honest, my body felt on high alert, in fight or flight mode, for at least the first fortnight. It’s only now in the last week or two that I feel totally comfortable being solely responsible for her at home, and that I’m actually finding my feet as a mother.

18. This love is totally different to anything you’ll have every felt before

Everyone has always said this: the love you feel for your child is inexplainable, and you have to experience it to understand. I finally get it. I cannot put into words the innate, complex, all-encompassing love I feel for my daughter, but it’s the most powerful feeling I’ve ever felt.

19. You will crave some time to yourself, but then miss your child or feel mum guilt when you get it

Despite really wanting to paint my nails or write blog posts like this, I miss my daughter when I’m doing these things. I want to go and check on her, and cuddle her, even though she’s perfectly fine with her dad downstairs. I also am constantly thinking “maybe I should be pumping milk, instead of doing this” or “I shouldn’t waste this bonding time with her while she’s awake on something less important.” Forget ‘Velcro baby’, maybe I’m a ‘Velcro mum’!

20. Your body isn’t just your body anymore - but that isn’t a bad thing

It can feel like a lot when your body is still in pain weeks after giving birth, or hurts from feeding baby, but remember, ultimately, your body is now also someone else’s safe place, their ground zero, their home. It’s where they lived for nine months, where they can come back to (albeit on, rather than in, lol) when the big noisy world with all its sights and smells are too much.

Initially, I was very hard on my body, due to some of the circumstances surrounding my daughter’s birth, and my struggles with breastfeeding, but I realise, how can I criticise this vessel that literally brought life into the world, and continues to provide comfort to my most precious thing?

Also, and this probably isn’t very politically correct of me to say these days, but after being pregnant for nine months, you’ll feel the skinniest you’ve felt in ages haha! I wore a crop top, something I’d never have worn pre-pregnancy, to register my daughter’s birth!

About myself…

BONUS POINT. This month really has been the strangest of my life… and I’ve had some strange times in the last 30-odd years; however, ultimately, it has made me realise I am stronger than I know. Despite the crisis of confidence, despite the anxiety, despite the worries, my daughter and I are thriving at the end of month 1. I can’t credit that all to myself (my partner is phenomenal, I have a good support network, and my daughter herself is an absolute dream), but as Snoop Dogg says “last but not least, I want to thank ME!”

I built this little life with my very own body, I birthed her from my body, I continue to provide comfort for her with this body, still have it operate for me too, and do it all on a lot of broken sleep! Even as I type this though, and despite being pregnant for the best part of a year, I still can’t quite believe this human being grew and came out of my body?!

A final thought - though one I must admit I have poached from a friend, who reassured me when I had my day 9 hormone drop: reframe anything you’re worried about as 'mum bingo’. Everything is an opportunity to mark off another square on your mum bingo card. Solo parenting for a day? Ticked. Leaving her alone in her Moses basket while popping to the bathroom? All good. First poonami? Nailed ittttt (that was super gross though… how does poop get so high up?!)