Okay, so by definition, there are technically only three trimesters of pregnancy; however, the first three months post-partum have come to be widely referred to as the ‘fourth trimester’. This is a period of huge change, and time to adapt and recover for both mother and baby. I would say this has been the most special period of my life thus far - albeit one of the hardest! There are many things I’ve felt born to do: write, travel… and now be a mother. And not just to anyone, but her. My baby girl in particular.
As I don’t intend to put too much of my daughter online, below I focus more on my experiences of this weird and wonderful time rather than charting her milestones and personality.
Read my first trimester blog post here.
Read my second trimester blog post here.
Read my third trimester blog post here.
Recovery
I have dedicated a whole blog post to my post-birth recovery. Be kind and patient with your body. It’s gone through something MAJOR for the best part of a year, then heads straight into a period of huge hormone fluctuations, little/broken sleep, readjusting organs, and on most occasions, becoming a food source for another human.
Although I had some fab support at the end of the phone from some friends and family, we limited visitors in our first month or so, and even then, we spaced those visits out. I highly recommend this, if you have a support network at home. I found I was able to heal better by taking it back to the basics: no routine in sight, half dressed most of the day, eating on demand, and no need whatsoever for airs, graces, or being presentable. Our focus was solely our newborn.
As I had been in and out of hospital in the fortnight prior to childbirth, and a few days after - I even celebrated my own birthday in the hospital this year - I also felt I had some healing to do mentally, so this time helped. You can read most of my birth story here (some bits I haven’t included for all and sundry to read on the internet, haha).
Despite hunkering down at home being good for recovery and a great way to save money for the rest of maternity leave, I did struggle with cabin fever at times. As such, my partner organised a mini staycation - Baby Girl having on her first getaway before she’d even had her two-month birthday isn't a surprise, with her being my child, eh - plus after she’d had her jabs, I started seeking out mum and baby groups to attend together.
The first few weeks
I'd say specifically the first three weeks were the most life-changing, primal weeks of my life - especially as a first-time mum. It’s an unfathomable experience that can’t really be put into words, but I’ll try to below!
Despite being utterly in love with our new arrival, I was in a high-anxiety fight or flight mode those first weeks. I was also physically recovering from a huge surgery. The adrenaline in my body during this time was immense and, with the constant wake ups too, I was wired. However, during week 3, something just clicked, and I felt like I’d found my feet again. It fell into place. Don't get me wrong, I still sought reassurance when encountering changes, and there was still plenty of adapting to do, but I was far less frenetic (apart from when she was ill after her 8-week jabs… I was Worry McWorryson big time until she recovered).
While those first three weeks were incredibly tough, I'd say those were actually some of the most special too. When else can you be in a bubble with your partner with no outside noise, no home, social or work admin, just one responsibility - albeit a HUGE one - and you’re looking down at a gorgeous human you created?
Everything I learnt in the first month of being ‘mum’ blog post here.
‘Symptoms’
Following the format of the last three trimester blog posts: symptoms. There are MANY you can experience, but the main ones I had - aside from c-section-associated pains - were the postpartum sweats; baby blues (thankfully, not for too long - just a day or so when my hormones plummeted); post-birth bleed (thanks to the dinner plate-sized wound in my body where the placenta was); and postpartum hair loss (thanks to the drop in oestrogen). I really thought I’d got away from this last one, but around week 9/10, I noticed more and more hair was coming out when removing a scrunchie, around the house, and onto my daughter… sorry, girl.
Not a symptom so to speak, but something reported to be pretty common: your perspective changes massively post-baby. I look back at that woman who was still trying to work between overnight hospital stays in that last week before maternity leave started, so she wasn't letting anyone else down?! This won’t be me again. My priority is my daughter now: over work, over other commitments I’ve made, over anyone else’s feelings.
Bonding and building confidence
Every week, there will be something new to navigate, and often, there isn’t one straight answer (no matter how often I try to seek one from my partner or Google lol) as you are dealing with the individuality of a little human. Time spent bonding with my baby is what built my confidence most.
From partway through this trimester, I’d be alone with baby for 8+ hours at least once or twice a week while my partner went into London. The first time, I was a nervous wreck, but as the weeks went on, I could decipher different cries and cues, and beyond our love, my daughter and I got to know each other. Now, it’s second nature. We sing and dance together; her eyes and smile capture my heart every damn day; and it's a full circle moment soothing her with the songs my grandma used to sing long before dementia took hold. Those, and pop/Rnb/Soca tunes.
Don't listen if anyone says you’re spoiling your baby by holding them too much; they've gone from being encased in you for nine months to being out in the loud, overwhelming world. What's more, it won't be forever! Even within this ‘trimester’, my daughter has gone from always wanting comfort and being held in her wake windows to being perfectly content in her bouncer, or on the baby gym.
I also want to shout out the book Mind Over Mother by Anna Mathus. I'd go as far as to say this book has given me tools for life; and many coping strategies I could have done with even before pregnancy and motherhood.
The sisterhood of motherhood
The postpartum period really shows you who your true friends are. Those who - regardless of their parental status - are happy for you and want to navigate this new time with you, then those who will ghost you when you need your ‘village’ the most and return (maybe) once it’s time for them to get a photo with the (incredibly cute) baby.
My partner being on a 13-week paternity leave has been an absolute God-send, furthered by his approach to being a father and partner. Also, family: the same ones who held you up as a baby now hold your baby up too. However, this journey would still be overwhelming without the sisterhood of motherhood.
I’ve got two friends in particular - a current colleague in Spain and a former line manager - who have been my sisterhood. Women who have experienced pregnancy and childbirth. Women who have the similar mum wins and worries. Women just know without words. These two are the ones I can text at 2.30am, the ones who will Whatapp or voice note all day between our babies’ nap schedules. The latter with whom I do outings, able to be ‘Tamsin’ and ‘E’ together as we have for years, as well as being ‘Mummy’ and ‘Mummy’ to our bubs who also join us out and about.
Sleep when the baby sleeps
Yeah, do it. And wash the clothes when the baby washes the clothes. And sterilise the bottles when the baby sterilises the bottles… hahaha. Jokes aside, unlike the ‘sleep while you're pregnant’, there is at least some truth to it. But while yes, there are definitely more opportunities to sleep with baby’s nap times and no day job, there is also other stuff to do within this time: be it sterilising, washing, organising appointments, tidying, eating, or self care tasks. I did find newborn tired far more preferable to the pregnancy exhaustion I'd experienced though.
Something sleep related I love is contact naps. Baby sleeping on you. Not only is it just bloody great cuddling your child, but contact naps also have many health benefits, including regulating baby’s breathing, heart rate, and body temperature; increased cognitive development for baby; reduction in stress hormone in baby; and improving milk supply in mum.
Appointments
Fair warning: in the first fortnight following the baby's birth, there are many appointments. The standard appointments for this ‘trimester’ are as follows:
Day after you leave hospital with a community midwife (home visit)
Day 5 with a community midwife (at hospital - I didn’t love this, given I was recovering from a c-section, and car journeys were roughhh)
Day 10 with a community midwife (at hospital)
Day 12-14 with a health visitor (home visit)
Week 6 with a health visitor (at the clinic)
Week 6-8 with a GP (at your GP’s surgery) + could include your baby’s 8-week jabs
Week 12 with a nurse for 12-week jabs.
We also had four more in the early weeks. It felt like a lotttttt.
Breastfeeding
A lot of experiences were a learning curve in these three months, but probably my steepest learning curve was breastfeeding. It's a whole thing, not just boob in baby’s mouth and done. It can take weeks of specific work and commitment to get to a place where you're providing enough milk for the baby - and even then, it may not happen. I had massive struggles here; you can read more in detail here. While the general rhetoric is breast is best, know that a fed baby is best - whatever way that is!
Mum Milestones
In my initial anxious few weeks, a fellow mum and friend said something that helped change my mindset a little: see anything you're nervous about as “ticking off a square on Mum Bingo”. I took joy in this, ticking off things like our first solo outing; first mum meet up; first night just her and I; and first staycation. Even my first time ever leaving the house without my daughter to go to the opticians, 7 weeks after her birth, felt totally alien, but I saw it as another tick. Although I’ve struggled with not wanting to be away from my baby, despite really craving some downtime from the intense responsibility, I've now planned a couple of treats for myself over the next few months, including pre-paying some for when I'm on statutory maternity pay later this year, earning less than half of minimum wage!
In addition, I used milestones as a way to get on with my c section recovery, as it was a slow process: i.e. being able to moisturise my own legs on day 9, getting in the car unaided on day 10, painting my toenails on day 18, or sleeping on my stomach for the first time in about nine months five weeks post c-section.
On the contrary, the milestones you don’t need to acknowledge: when people say “just wait until…” then rattle off something negative. Every stage of this journey is nuanced. Each has its hard bits, and each stage also has its absolutely incredible bits too.
Embracing a new way of life
I'm someone who thrives off routine and being “productive”; however, motherhood has taught me to slow down. I'm learning that I don't need to be “productive” all the time - or, in fact, I'm seeing the definition of “productive” differently. Despite this slower way of life, motherhood is harder than any job I’ve had on my CV in the last 14 years. It’s 24/7, and the stakes are a lot higher than manmade KPIs and lining the pockets of faceless CEOs. My days are still packed, but they're packed with the little things that matter (plus the life-productive things; you'll find yourself whizzing around the house to get things done during nap times).
A parent is always anticipating children's needs and analysing risks, like background work in the brain, no matter the time or where they are. Plus, I’m a huge planner and overthinker. Are there enough bottles ready? Has the dummy been sterilised? Did she get enough tummy time today? Is she too hot / too cold? Is there a muslin close, if she sicks? Surely all the vests can’t be in the wash? Is she safe? Has she acted any differently than normal today? What milestones should a baby of this age be hitting? The list goes ON. However, I wouldn’t change this for a thing. My daughter is my world.
As above, it's actually crazy that you can't put motherhood on a CV. I’ve never known such a high pressured role where you have to prioritise between multiple urgent needs for a demanding CEO, who will scream, whether you get it right but not quick enough, and definitely if you get it wrong. Or if you meet one need but not another. Or even if you’ve done everything right, but they’re just not vibing at that moment in time. Oh, and you need to anticipate what they'll need next and when. And the KPI you're being judged on? The survival of this CEO. And yet, somehow, with all this still in mind, they are the best damn CEO you’ve ever had. You love them more than anything else on this planet.
Final thoughts
One of my biggest takeaways from the last four trimesters is, while there is no original experience in pregnancy and motherhood (i.e for every experience or worry, another 100+ mums will have had it), nothing is ‘textbook’ either - something my partner had said to me throughout. So many of the ‘negative’ things that I believed were common in pregnancy and postpartum didn't happen to me, and the hard stuff I did experience, well, I got through it.
As the official (and unofficial) trimesters come to an end, so does my regular, three-monthly blog posts. I've pretty much covered a full year - wow! Going forward, I'll continue to chronicle my motherhood experiences; however, they'll be in spontaneous, stand-alone blog posts as opposed to these round ups every quarter. I've got some new experiences just around the corner: our first holiday together; my first night apart from baby; the end of my partner’s paternity leave; oh, and surviving without a monthly salary as my full pay comes to an end… Check back to see how we get on!
