breastfeeding

The realities of the 'fourth trimester': one person's account

Okay, so by definition, there are technically only three trimesters of pregnancy; however, the first three months post-partum have come to be widely referred to as the ‘fourth trimester’. This is a period of huge change, and time to adapt and recover for both mother and baby. I would say this has been the most special period of my life thus far - albeit one of the hardest! There are many things I’ve felt born to do: write, travel… and now be a mother. And not just to anyone, but her. My baby girl in particular.

As I don’t intend to put too much of my daughter online, below I focus more on my experiences of this weird and wonderful time rather than charting her milestones and personality. 

Read my first trimester blog post here.

Read my second trimester blog post here.

Read my third trimester blog post here.

Recovery

I have dedicated a whole blog post to my post-birth recovery. Be kind and patient with your body. It’s gone through something MAJOR for the best part of a year, then heads straight into a period of huge hormone fluctuations, little/broken sleep, readjusting organs, and on most occasions, becoming a food source for another human.

Although I had some fab support at the end of the phone from some friends and family, we limited visitors in our first month or so, and even then, we spaced those visits out. I highly recommend this, if you have a support network at home. I found I was able to heal better by taking it back to the basics: no routine in sight, half dressed most of the day, eating on demand, and no need whatsoever for airs, graces, or being presentable. Our focus was solely our newborn. 

As I had been in and out of hospital in the fortnight prior to childbirth, and a few days after - I even celebrated my own birthday in the hospital this year - I also felt I had some healing to do mentally, so this time helped. You can read most of my birth story here (some bits I haven’t included for all and sundry to read on the internet, haha).

Despite hunkering down at home being good for recovery and a great way to save money for the rest of maternity leave, I did struggle with cabin fever at times. As such, my partner organised a mini staycation - Baby Girl having on her first getaway before she’d even had her two-month birthday isn't a surprise, with her being my child, eh - plus after she’d had her jabs, I started seeking out mum and baby groups to attend together.

The first few weeks 

I'd say specifically the first three weeks were the most life-changing, primal weeks of my life - especially as a first-time mum. It’s an unfathomable experience that can’t really be put into words, but I’ll try to below!

Despite being utterly in love with our new arrival, I was in a high-anxiety fight or flight mode those first weeks. I was also physically recovering from a huge surgery. The adrenaline in my body during this time was immense and, with the constant wake ups too, I was wired. However, during week 3, something just clicked, and I felt like I’d found my feet again. It fell into place. Don't get me wrong, I still sought reassurance when encountering changes, and there was still plenty of adapting to do, but I was far less frenetic (apart from when she was ill after her 8-week jabs… I was Worry McWorryson big time until she recovered). 

While those first three weeks were incredibly tough, I'd say those were actually some of the most special too. When else can you be in a bubble with your partner with no outside noise, no home, social or work admin, just one responsibility - albeit a HUGE one - and you’re looking down at a gorgeous human you created? 

Everything I learnt in the first month of being ‘mum’ blog post here.

‘Symptoms’

Following the format of the last three trimester blog posts: symptoms. There are MANY you can experience, but the main ones I had - aside from c-section-associated pains - were the postpartum sweats; baby blues (thankfully, not for too long - just a day or so when my hormones plummeted); post-birth bleed (thanks to the dinner plate-sized wound in my body where the placenta was); and postpartum hair loss (thanks to the drop in oestrogen). I really thought I’d got away from this last one, but around week 9/10, I noticed more and more hair was coming out when removing a scrunchie, around the house, and onto my daughter… sorry, girl.

Not a symptom so to speak, but something reported to be pretty common: your perspective changes massively post-baby. I look back at that woman who was still trying to work between overnight hospital stays in that last week before maternity leave started, so she wasn't letting anyone else down?! This won’t be me again. My priority is my daughter now: over work, over other commitments I’ve made, over anyone else’s feelings. 

Bonding and building confidence

Every week, there will be something new to navigate, and often, there isn’t one straight answer (no matter how often I try to seek one from my partner or Google lol) as you are dealing with the individuality of a little human. Time spent bonding with my baby is what built my confidence most.

From partway through this trimester, I’d be alone with baby for 8+ hours at least once or twice a week while my partner went into London. The first time, I was a nervous wreck, but as the weeks went on, I could decipher different cries and cues, and beyond our love, my daughter and I got to know each other. Now, it’s second nature. We sing and dance together; her eyes and smile capture my heart every damn day; and it's a full circle moment soothing her with the songs my grandma used to sing long before dementia took hold. Those, and pop/Rnb/Soca tunes. 

Don't listen if anyone says you’re spoiling your baby by holding them too much; they've gone from being encased in you for nine months to being out in the loud, overwhelming world. What's more, it won't be forever! Even within this ‘trimester’, my daughter has gone from always wanting comfort and being held in her wake windows to being perfectly content in her bouncer, or on the baby gym.

I also want to shout out the book Mind Over Mother by Anna Mathus. I'd go as far as to say this book has given me tools for life; and many coping strategies I could have done with even before pregnancy and motherhood. 

The sisterhood of motherhood

The postpartum period really shows you who your true friends are. Those who - regardless of their parental status - are happy for you and want to navigate this new time with you, then those who will ghost you when you need your ‘village’ the most and return (maybe) once it’s time for them to get a photo with the (incredibly cute) baby.

My partner being on a 13-week paternity leave has been an absolute God-send, furthered by his approach to being a father and partner. Also, family: the same ones who held you up as a baby now hold your baby up too. However, this journey would still be overwhelming without the sisterhood of motherhood.

I’ve got two friends in particular - a current colleague in Spain and a former line manager - who have been my sisterhood. Women who have experienced pregnancy and childbirth. Women who have the similar mum wins and worries. Women just know without words. These two are the ones I can text at 2.30am, the ones who will Whatapp or voice note all day between our babies’ nap schedules. The latter with whom I do outings, able to be ‘Tamsin’ and ‘E’ together as we have for years, as well as being ‘Mummy’ and ‘Mummy’ to our bubs who also join us out and about.

Sleep when the baby sleeps

Yeah, do it. And wash the clothes when the baby washes the clothes. And sterilise the bottles when the baby sterilises the bottles… hahaha. Jokes aside, unlike the ‘sleep while you're pregnant’, there is at least some truth to it. But while yes, there are definitely more opportunities to sleep with baby’s nap times and no day job, there is also other stuff to do within this time: be it sterilising, washing, organising appointments, tidying, eating, or self care tasks. I did find newborn tired far more preferable to the pregnancy exhaustion I'd experienced though.

Something sleep related I love is contact naps. Baby sleeping on you. Not only is it just bloody great cuddling your child, but contact naps also have many health benefits, including regulating baby’s breathing, heart rate, and body temperature; increased cognitive development for baby; reduction in stress hormone in baby; and improving milk supply in mum.

Appointments 

Fair warning: in the first fortnight following the baby's birth, there are many appointments. The standard appointments for this ‘trimester’ are as follows:

  • Day after you leave hospital with a community midwife (home visit)

  • Day 5 with a community midwife (at hospital - I didn’t love this, given I was recovering from a c-section, and car journeys were roughhh)

  • Day 10 with a community midwife (at hospital)

  • Day 12-14 with a health visitor (home visit) 

  • Week 6 with a health visitor (at the clinic)

  • Week 6-8 with a GP (at your GP’s surgery) + could include your baby’s 8-week jabs

  • Week 12 with a nurse for 12-week jabs.

We also had four more in the early weeks. It felt like a lotttttt.

Breastfeeding 

A lot of experiences were a learning curve in these three months, but probably my steepest learning curve was breastfeeding. It's a whole thing, not just boob in baby’s mouth and done. It can take weeks of specific work and commitment to get to a place where you're providing enough milk for the baby - and even then, it may not happen. I had massive struggles here; you can read more in detail here. While the general rhetoric is breast is best, know that a fed baby is best - whatever way that is!  

Mum Milestones 

In my initial anxious few weeks, a fellow mum and friend said something that helped change my mindset a little: see anything you're nervous about as “ticking off a square on Mum Bingo”. I took joy in this, ticking off things like our first solo outing; first mum meet up; first night just her and I; and first staycation. Even my first time ever leaving the house without my daughter to go to the opticians, 7 weeks after her birth, felt totally alien, but I saw it as another tick. Although I’ve struggled with not wanting to be away from my baby, despite really craving some downtime from the intense responsibility, I've now planned a couple of treats for myself over the next few months, including pre-paying some for when I'm on statutory maternity pay later this year, earning less than half of minimum wage!

In addition, I used milestones as a way to get on with my c section recovery, as it was a slow process: i.e. being able to moisturise my own legs on day 9, getting in the car unaided on day 10, painting my toenails on day 18, or sleeping on my stomach for the first time in about nine months five weeks post c-section.

On the contrary, the milestones you don’t need to acknowledge: when people say “just wait until…” then rattle off something negative. Every stage of this journey is nuanced. Each has its hard bits, and each stage also has its absolutely incredible bits too. 

Embracing a new way of life 

I'm someone who thrives off routine and being “productive”; however, motherhood has taught me to slow down. I'm learning that I don't need to be “productive” all the time - or, in fact, I'm seeing the definition of “productive” differently. Despite this slower way of life, motherhood is harder than any job I’ve had on my CV in the last 14 years. It’s 24/7, and the stakes are a lot higher than manmade KPIs and lining the pockets of faceless CEOs. My days are still packed, but they're packed with the little things that matter (plus the life-productive things; you'll find yourself whizzing around the house to get things done during nap times).

A parent is always anticipating children's needs and analysing risks, like background work in the brain, no matter the time or where they are. Plus, I’m a huge planner and overthinker. Are there enough bottles ready? Has the dummy been sterilised? Did she get enough tummy time today? Is she too hot / too cold? Is there a muslin close, if she sicks? Surely all the vests can’t be in the wash? Is she safe? Has she acted any differently than normal today? What milestones should a baby of this age be hitting? The list goes ON. However, I wouldn’t change this for a thing. My daughter is my world.

As above, it's actually crazy that you can't put motherhood on a CV. I’ve never known such a high pressured role where you have to prioritise between multiple urgent needs for a demanding CEO, who will scream, whether you get it right but not quick enough, and definitely if you get it wrong. Or if you meet one need but not another. Or even if you’ve done everything right, but they’re just not vibing at that moment in time. Oh, and you need to anticipate what they'll need next and when. And the KPI you're being judged on? The survival of this CEO. And yet, somehow, with all this still in mind, they are the best damn CEO you’ve ever had. You love them more than anything else on this planet.

Final thoughts 

One of my biggest takeaways from the last four trimesters is, while there is no original experience in pregnancy and motherhood (i.e for every experience or worry, another 100+ mums will have had it), nothing is ‘textbook’ either - something my partner had said to me throughout. So many of the ‘negative’ things that I believed were common in pregnancy and postpartum didn't happen to me, and the hard stuff I did experience, well, I got through it.

As the official (and unofficial) trimesters come to an end, so does my regular, three-monthly blog posts. I've pretty much covered a full year - wow! Going forward, I'll continue to chronicle my motherhood experiences; however, they'll be in spontaneous, stand-alone blog posts as opposed to these round ups every quarter. I've got some new experiences just around the corner: our first holiday together; my first night apart from baby; the end of my partner’s paternity leave; oh, and surviving without a monthly salary as my full pay comes to an end…  Check back to see how we get on!

Why the f did no one tell me how hard breastfeeding is?!

As someone who had never looked after a baby by themselves, ever, having my daughter has been a steep learning curve. A magical, scary, wonderful, overwhelming,  head-over-heels-in-love learning curve. The biggest lesson of all so far, though? Breastfeeding and everything it entails.

For all the images in the media, for all the chats I had with mothers during and before pregnancy, for all the leaflets about ‘breast is best’, no one warned a sister that breastfeeding is not as simple as putting baby to breast and they drink it?! I’ve believed this my whole life - well as long as I’ve been aware of breastfeeding as a concept, anyway - and the fact this isn’t the case has genuinely been the biggest shock of motherhood thus far.

Now, don’t get me wrong, it won’t be hard for everyone, but the more I speak to my mum friends about my breastfeeding troubles, the more I’ve heard “oh, I had this problem too”, “my friend experienced this when she had her child”, or “I didn’t struggle with that aspect of breastfeeding, but I struggled with this other aspect”. Below is an article I’d have loved to have read prior to starting my breastfeeding journey, so hopefully it can help others who find themselves in a similar position to me.

Please note, I am not a medical professional; everything I’ve written below is based solely on my own experiences, so of course, take my advice with a pinch of salt/do your own research/seek medical advice if needed.

What does it take to breastfeed?

Even if you have no issues, whatsoever, it is still a skill. In order for a baby to drink milk, you need to a) get them to latch properly (how exactly they have the nipple/breast in their mouth), and b) you need to have the milk supply to feed them.  

At the hospital (or I imagine at home if you have a homebirth), the staff will show you how to get a proper latch on your first day/night/following morning with your baby. You can also attend antenatal classes during your pregnancy. While the breastfeeding antenatal class I attended covered latching on, and colostrum harvesting - your very first ‘milk’, kind of like a concentrated squash version before your milk properly comes in - it didn’t cover low milk supply, so I did not even think this could be an issue.

Why did I find it hard?

As it goes, my main issue with breastfeeding is a low milk supply. While my colostrum came in fine, and baby girl mostly latched on well, it became evident early on my milk supply wasn’t keeping up with baby girl’s hunger. Due to some of the circumstances surrounding her birth, the hospital had encouraged us to do ‘top up’ bottle feeds after breastfeeding from birth. As such, when girly pop would become frustrated and not getting fed enough from my body, and I would get upset that she was hungry and I was unable to feed her enough, we defaulted to bottle pretty quickly. Add in the ease of the bottle overnight, meaning either parent could feed her while the other slept, sometimes breast would be skipped altogether. This didn’t help the milk supply situation (it’s a supply and demand thing; the more baby drinks, the more your body is signalled to make).

What did I do?

Initially, I felt a lot of mum guilt. Why was my body letting my daughter and I down?! Why wasn’t it doing what it was meant to do?! Was it my fault?! I carried this heavy weight and mindset for a fair bit, even after I decided to take action. There were a lot of tears (hers when hungry, mine in frustration at my body… which is wrong because it kept my daughter safe for nine months, birthed her safely, and gives her comfort).

However, after some days wallowing, I thought “let me give this my best shot” (or is that breast shot?)!! If after that, I still am unable to breastfeed or properly combination feed (breast + bottle), then at least I know I really tried, and my daughter is still getting all the nutrition she needs from formula, and will get it from food later this year too. 

In order to try and build my milk supply, here is what I did (and some I continue to do):

  • Reach out for support. First things first, as I said in the intro, I ain’t no medical professional. While there is an array of support available to new mums in community midwives, health visitors, lactation specialists, and community drop in sessions, I cannot sing the praises of the National Breastfeeding Helpline enough. You can call them or DM them on social media 24/7, and they are so friendly, helpful, supportive, and a wealth of knowledge. I reached out to them on multiple occasions, and they truly take the time to give you bespoke advice to your situation.

  • Hand express or pump regularly during the day. Coupled with breast massage and breast compressions, I set daily reminders on my phone, and hand expressed or pumped regularly each day. It's recommended to do this every two to three hours to build supply, but in all honesty I a) didn't have the energy and b) didn't want to expend all the remaining energy I did have on this, instead of bonding with my child… after all, I'll never get this newborn time back! It really helped that we didn't have too many visitors in baby’s first six weeks or so (something we'd set) as it meant I could do this without feeling self conscious (not that you should feel self conscious!). Once I was filling a syringe or two regularly, I tried electric pumping, but for some reason, this didn't yield as “good” results for me.

  • Have realistic expectations. It was pretty disheartening to hear other mums say (or post on social media) that they struggled with supply, and then show 10/20ml of milk for it, while I was literally only getting 0.2ml or so mls out my tatas at each expressing/pumping session nearly a month after my daughter’s birth. I needed to accept this was a long-term commitment, and I wouldn’t be a fountain of milk overnight. In order to not get obsessed and focus on this instead of my daughter, I set a deadline for the following month that if I was still only seeing droplets, rather than even a small drinkable amount, I would stop and just bottlefeed. This gave me a goal.

  • Skin to skin. Literally having your baby’s skin touching your skin has some exceptional benefits for both mother and baby (and some for father and baby too). It helps regulate a baby's temperature, heart rate, and breathing; increases bonding; and crucially here, helps stimulate breastfeeding. I loved having skin to skin with my daughter anyway, her laying on my chest sleeping or doing tummy time when awake, so this was just an added benefit!

  • Putting her to the breast before each bottle feed (or as many as you remember to). Yep, even if it was only for a minute or two each time before we both wanted to cry. I became a bit more lax with this for a short period, which was probably a self-fulfilling prophecy, but I ensured to pick this back up.

  • Drink more water. Breastmilk is water based, so I made sure to drink more water than I probably normally would.

Timeline

So, bear in mind each person is totally different, I’m putting the below because it’s something I’d have loved to see myself when starting this journey. Don’t take this as gospel, because there are so many variables at play person to person. Here’s roughly what my timeline looked like, once I committed to the above:

  1. In the first two to three days, there was nothing. Not a dribble in any hand expression or pumping session, and baby girl wasn’t drinking from breast.

  2. Following this, for about a week, I’d get a few drops out in hand expression or pumping session. I had a couple of times when baby girl latched on and drank for more than 60 seconds during this time, and I felt such a sense of achievement when she got even a droplet of the milk ‘made for her’. This encouraged me to keep going!

  3. During the following three weeks, I started to collect the droplets of milk in colostrum syringes, and eventually started filling around 1-2 syringes per session every so often - but not consistently! However, this was still super encouraging to keep going. While I did try to get baby girl to go to breast a fair few times, I did find it super painful and she would still get frustrated that it wasn't as quick as a bottle.

  4. After around a month after starting to really commit to the above to build milk supply, I decided to buy an electric pump. Not only is it meant to help stimulate milk flow, but as baby had started to have longer wake windows, and I was almost back to full health after childbirth via c-section, expressing/pumping manually at set times each day became unrealistic with the delights and demands of the day. Unfortunately, this yielded worse results than hand expression had. 

  5. After some soul searching, reaching the ‘deadline’ I’d mentioned earlier in this post, and another encouraging conversation with my partner, I took a break from the pumping and breastfeeding, and the pressure around it all for a good five days, unsure if I’d return to it. This break really showed me that baby girl being fed and happy is the most important thing, and all this pressure I'd been putting on myself took away some of the attention I should have been giving my daughter, and imposed a routine, when me and baby girl should have been enjoying the absence of one in the newborn phase. 

  6. I, on a whim, decided to pump about a week later. This was genuinely the most fruitful pump I’d had in weeks, probably because I had relaxed. There and then, I decided I’d pump once a day, not bound by a set time, and put baby girl to breast when I could, and whatever I got is what I’d give my daughter - even it was 1ml (which it was on many occasions). She was still getting milk made for her; yes, it might not have been the realms and realms of milk it should be at this point by NHS standards, but as I am combination feeding, my daughter is still getting some small benefits of breastmilk (even one drop has tens of thousands of antibodies) and being fed well through her formula too.

Where am I now?

While all the things I tried actually did help build milk supply (very) slowly but surely, I found the pressure and the routine of pumping to impact our newborn stage in other ways disproportionately. As such, for now, I am doing point six as above - a pump a day and putting baby to breast regularly each day. Her latch is brilliant now, and the pain isn’t as much as it was before for me. I hope to continue this plan until she starts solids. Perhaps between now and then, my supply will become a half decent amount, but if not, I am content with the fact my girl has a satisfied stomach, is getting comfort, and I gave breastfeeding a damn good shot. 

I am also proud of myself for committing and still continuing to stick at it, as both physically and mentally, it was not - and is not - easy! I’m well aware I haven't even covered other topics around breastfeeding, like engorgement, and breastfeeding in public, but I really wanted to make this piece about building milk supply as it was a topic little touched on that I'd have loved to read at the beginning of my journey.