One of the greatest gifts I received in postpartum didn't come from a family member, or a friend. It came from my partner's workplace. What was it, you may ask? Giving my partner thirteen weeks, fully paid paternity leave.
By directive of the UK government (at the time of writing), companies are legally required to give two weeks paternity leave, paid £187.18 a week - less than half of minimum wage - or 90% of your salary; whichever is lowest.
While I'm sure I'll come back to the dismal paternity leave pay in a later blog post - after all, this'll be my pitiful income for six months of my maternity leave too - I specifically want to focus on something that has been garnering plenty of attention in the news of late, as a review of all parental statutory leave takes place. The two weeks leave.
How does the UK’s paternity leave compare to the rest of the world?
The UK’s current paternity leave allowance came into effect over 20 years ago now, and frankly, it is pretty dated - the fact it has stayed the same since its introduction, instead of moving with the times says everything. A report released by the Women and Equalities Committee earlier this year billed it as one of the worst statutory leave offers in the “developed world” (I have issue with this phrasing, but that’s for another time).
In Spain, fathers can take up to 16 weeks off work at full pay; in Sweden, families get 480 days of paid parental leave, with 90 of those days specifically earmarked for fathers. Even France’s little 28 paid days is better than the UK’s offering.
Has my partner’s 13-week paternity leave really been that significant to my postpartum journey?!
In short, yes. My adjustment to becoming a mother, and our daughter’s start in life as a result, would have been a totally different experience.
Recovery
Thanks to my partner being on paternity leave, my body was able to recover properly following childbirth; I was not forced to be sole carer for our child just two weeks after a major abdominal surgery (although I did do it for about eight hours in this first two weeks when he had to go into London). At two weeks postpartum, I could only just about wash my own legs in the shower, and I still wasn't able to sit up from a laying position without a helping hand. I couldn't get to my daughter at night anywhere near as quick as I'd have liked, and could only hold her in specific positions on my body. As a result of the current statutory paternity leave, many, many babies are in the sole care day in, day out of women who are in pain, unable to move quickly, or bend - and everything to do with properly caring for the baby can exacerbate that even further, meaning these ‘symptoms’ are bound to continue for longer.
One of the recommendations from MPs, in the same report mentioned earlier, suggests six weeks paternity leave as a standard. This is more in line with C-section recovery and is a move in the right direction regardless of the type of birth you’ve experienced.
Emotional support
Recovery isn't just about physical health; it's about mental health too. And becoming a parent for the first time is one of the biggest transitions one can experience in life. Add in the absolute chaos that is a woman’s hormones following pregnancy and birth, and any of the mentally challenging stuff that comes with reflecting on any pregnancy complications, and boy, let me tell you, I needed that emotional support. Who better to provide it than the person with whom you share the child (and who is equally as responsible for the situation, eh)? Even with this support, I found the first three weeks postpartum incredibly hard, so I can't even fathom how many women have had to feel as their partners return to work well before this adjustment period is over.
Alongside my partner, I had the support of our parents, and a small number of friends who showed up from the very beginning (rather than just waiting to message once we were having visitors… not cool, guys). However, having the other parent actually present for most of the ‘fourth trimester' meant sometimes words didn't need to be said, when I struggled to string my complex postpartum feelings into a sentence to these comrades (shocking for a journalist, I know). It was the silent removal of the mental and physical load, meaning I could focus on getting better, adjusting to my new life-long role, and being a good mum. No joke, to date, I've only cooked three dinners since I gave birth. It’s been months.
Because my partner is on paternity leave, I'm able to take time whenever I like to be ‘Tamsin’ if I choose to, while she’s in the care of her dad. In turn, it means when I'm in mum mode, I'm able to be the best mum I can be. I should probably do this more often; while my partner has taken his time away from being ‘Daddy’ for social events and London visits, I still struggle with ‘mum guilt’ of taking more than an hour or two out the house away from my child, so have barely done so. While I crave the longer break, I also still crave to be near our daughter - I guess I've been with her 24/7 for the best part of a year at this point (pregnancy included), so any difference feels odd. Also, societal views: no one blinks an eyelid when a dad says he's got a newborn baby at home, yet he’s out and about; but the same isn't expected for a woman. I had a massage a friend got me nine weeks after my daughter's birth; the masseuse asked, in a shocked manner, who was looking after her while I was there. Maybe along with changes to paternity leave will come changes in attitude too - including my own!
Bonding
So far in this post, I've spoken about me me me and mum mum mum, but a decent paternity leave will do wonders for the bond between the father and child. As with all my articles and blog posts, I don't like to speak for my loved ones here on the internet, so I will only speak on what I've witnessed. Our daughter is enamoured with her dad. She's equally soothed by either one of us. She had skin to skin with her dad from the date of her birth, she's seen him every single day of her life thus far for multiple hours a day. Everything I've encountered - from frowns to fevers - he has too, so unlike the stereotype of a father needing directive from the mother while caring for the child, this is far from the truth in our household. In fact, especially in those beginning weeks, I looked to him for guidance. This bonding time sets up the Daddy/daughter relationship for life; and frankly, the government is doing dads an injustice within their family structure by only providing them two weeks leave.
What's more, many relationships come under strain in the throws of newborn life, and while yes, we definitely did have our moments of being short with each other - hey, having just two hours sleep will do that to the strongest of humans - because my partner had more than two weeks leave, we could truly focus on creating and adjusting to what our new family and home set up looked like without any outside noise of work stressors, or hosting other people: our focus day in, day out was predominantly us!
I could go on and on about why the government needs to change the UK paternity leave system. And the maternity leave system. AND THE MATERNITY PAY. But motherhood calls. After all, in postpartum, what is the most important thing? Why are we’re even talking about this in the first place? Her.